An open letter to the empowered woman.

I’ve written, re-written, deleted entirely and thrown this post out about five times now. What I thought would be one of the most natural things to put into words has turned into a journey in itself.

Someone I know has recently embarked on a beautiful journey of self-discovery, using blogs, Instagram and her own words to convey a story which is as inspiring as it is honest. Like many other woman I have followed posts; passing silent judgement, taking note and ultimately looking at things with that niggling doubt of myself that comes with social media comparison.

And you know… I hated it.

I hate that despite how happy I can feel within myself, I still have this insatiable need for validation that only the internet can provide. I don’t know if it’s something that has always been in me, or if this is a culture that I’ve allowed myself to become tangled up with.

Either way, it’s got me thinking. This; coupled with the words from an empowered woman have led me to say something I’ve wanted to say for a long time, but never really had the opportunity to. Or perhaps I’ve never grasped the opportunity before now.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t give you enough. To take the time to see past the perpetual display of perfection.

I’m sorry I felt anger towards you. Feelings that were only built from a gross misunderstanding of my own insecurities and the words of others.

I’m sorry for what you’ve had to endure at the hands of a man that didn’t deserve the woman he had. People are cruel and heartless and just downright awful sometimes.

But it is how we learn and grow that determines who we are. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for helping me see that. I hope you know how much the world needs people like you. How much we, as woman, need your voice.

Shout louder for the ladies at the back.

Sincerely,

A newly empowered woman.

I choose love.

I’ve taken a break from writing lately as I managed to successfully confuse and terrify myself in equal measure with my last post. Despite that I feel like there is an awful lot I need to get off my chest. Not that I’m going to do that right now, a lot of it is still in the fuzzy phase. But I started this blog as a means to express my feelings, regardless of how debilitating they may be, and that isn’t something that I should begin to shy away from.

Firstly I would like to make a formal apology to anyone who may have been hurt or upset by my last post. It was not my intention. To be honest I’m not sure what my intention was. I think I just needed to speak and couldn’t think of any other way to vocalise the sheer terror I was experiencing at the time. I’m lucky that I live in a world where I can make my thoughts known, but it can be difficult to gauge how much to share. In the same vein I feel like I have the right to navigate myself through the darker days in whatever way I deem appropriate. Everybody advises you to scream when you need to, but nobody is ever comfortable with the manner and volume in which you do.

I like to think I’ve always had a way with words, preferring a heated debate to resorting to violence. But lately I’ve wondered, maybe violence would have been a more suitable response. Maybe instead of internalising everything and calmly analysing the way I’ve handled the last few months, it would have been far more pertinent to just meet all my adversaries with a swift brick to the chest cavity. It’s no secret that I think most people are awful in their own way. But most tend to own their mistakes, rather than project them back onto the only people who ever took the time to know them. Perhaps I should have channelled all this rage and hurt and unsolicited disgust at myself directly to it’s source.

Instead I have been as diplomatic as possible and built a resolution that I’m not sure I would class as roaring success.I kept telling myself it was because I refused to become someone I’m not because of someone else’s bullshit. Now I’m not entirely sure that in doing that, I’ve succeeded in building a foundation on which to grow. I sort of feel I’ve become a husk of the person I was before. I’m not sure how to think, or that I even want to. Never again will I put someone else’s heart above my own when they can’t even begin to comprehend what to do with that level of respect. All I know is that no matter how damaged I am now; it’s nothing compared to what could have been.

Surrounding myself with beautiful humans and kind souls has been my greatest achievement to date. And for that I am truly, irrevocably, grateful.